Sittin, Waitin, Wishin: 2014 Kia K900

"Jonathon Klein" (jonathon-klein) 03/13/2014 at 20:24 • Filed to: Sittin Waitin Wishin to be an AutoJournalist!

1

2

There have been a few articles on this car of late, TheSmokingTire's Collin Woodward compared the name to the dog on !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . Our very own Zac Estrada took !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! that were sent to him directly by Kia to make sure he was brave enough to try the car out. But so far, no one has actually been in it, until now. What is the Kia K900 you ask? Well I would tell you that it is a version of Hyundai's Equus luxurymobile. It has come to save individuals from touching the proletariat. It is for the middle executive's micromanaging their respective teams. It is a way for them to say, " silly plebeian, thou are unclean and unworthy of me speaking to you directly without me being condescending towards you ." Why you may ask is this only for the middle executive motor pool? Because, these assholes that make all our lives a living hell can't afford a real luxury car like the S-Class or 7 series BMW that's why. This car is trading its badges reputation for being a smart cheap alternative to Toyota and Honda, and trying to punch above its weight. Does it succeed? Let's find out.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Following conformity of the last two " SWW ' s " we start in the rear of the car, because honestly that's where the buyers of this car really want to be. However, since they are still buying a Hyundai, they aren't. Nevertheless, that is where they aspire to sit so we start there. The back seats are unbelievably luxurious. At least they are before sitting in the S Class, which is later in this series. They are comfortable, smooth; the leather is warm and inviting. The back has loads of legroom which is what you want in a luxury executive car. One problem, there is nowhere near enough head room. That is unless you fiddle with the seat controls located on the door. Then you can recline the seat a bit, which gives ample headroom. However, you then sacrifice legroom and it all goes to hell in a hand basket. Something you don't want to do when you're in a luxury executive car is scrimp on head and or leg room. However, a groovy red LED hidden within the armrest, accents the armrest on the door and gives you a sensation of being evil.

( Groovy? What is this the 60's? Get a haircut hippie! What this car's owner says. )

Being a luxury executive car and not wanting to associate yourself with the outer peoples, you know the kind, the ones that don't have a company cell phone and don't do lunch! Bums! You would expect this car to be quiet, cancelling out the noise created by the riff raff, and you know what? It does. That car was so quiet that I had the front two windows open in the crowded hall and I could barely hear anything coming from outside! It is so well insulated from listening to the commoners that you could be whispering something about getting into politics one day to your mistress in the rear seat while driving through the Occupy Movement in downtown Manhattan, running those incompetent fools down in the process and never having to raise your voice. While mowing people down you won't want to look forward in fear of catching the rabble's gazes so what do you do? Look up! The panoramic moon roof is wonderful in this car. The window is super clear so you can look up and see your ivory towers bearing down on all those below!

The front seats are just as good as the back, but then that's because again, this isn't an S-Class or 7 Series or Maybach or anything of that nature, it's a Hyundai and you don't have a chauffeur to whisk you around. What you have is the daunting task of driving yourself, and if you have to drive yourself it might as well be comfortable. The dash is laid our very well, everything is within reach and easy to use. Very good for those that are being targeted with this car, seeing as all the middle managers I've ever met couldn't make up their minds without sending it to seven different committees, then burying the results for five years, digging it back up, sending it back to committee and then finally making a decision with a simple coin toss. So easy is good for this crowd. While all laid out quite nice, the trim on this car was not nice. Instead of the Piano Black interior that most of the cars were going for at the Auto Show, this one was Piano White. Imagine the worst gloss plastic ever. Got it? Now make it worse and put in on a car that starts at $60k, and most of these will probably be in the $70-80k range when spec'd out. Ah hell no! My aristocratic leanings will not stand for this! You there! Yes you with the drool coming out of your mouth. Carry me on your back to the Kia dealer I must speak with someone in charge immediately!

( Sir you are jostling my expensive Banana Republic suit, slow down!)

Ok, now that I've had my fun at the expense of those that employ me for real money, how did those people react to the car? Well for the ten minutes I sat in the car taking everything in, only about three other people stepped into the car and sat in it. Usually only for about 30 seconds. Why? Because it's a $60,000 Kia, that's why. Who is going to pay that much for a Korean car? Nobody that's who. They are going to go and get a 5 series, or E-Class, or a used Bentley or Jag, they aren't going to buy a Korean Luxury Executive car. At least not yet. The car was nice, it needs some improvement, but a great first try. They just didn't hit it out of the park.

( Hey look a sports metaphor on Jalopnik, WTF is going on? )

But they did an admirable job. I figure in a few years, it may very well be on par with a S-Class, but for right now, it's a used S-Class, somewhere in the year range of 2006-10, and those you can pick up for a fiver any day of the week.

Next on Sittin Waitin Wishin the Volvo S60 R

You can follow me on Twitter !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .

Also how did Acura get allowed to build !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! ?

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

And Why I can't and you shouldn't hate !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Takuro Spirit > Jonathon Klein 03/13/2014 at 20:43

1

Hmm, are there redundant controls for the rear HVAC anywhere closer than on the vents? Seems sort of..... plebeian to have to bend all the way down there to adjust the aircon.

Also, was the piano white actually WOOD? Because then I could excuse it. White pianos are sexier, for a fact.

Jonathon Klein > Takuro Spirit 03/13/2014 at 23:23

0

They weren't they were plastic.